Momabetes

This is Ridiculous

2009-01-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

I am so mad right now.

So we moved cross-country recently. I've been having trouble with my blood sugars being unpredictable, probably due to a mix of physical and emotional stress that came with this move, as well as hormonal craziness due to birth control pills that I started to try to mitigate some hormonal craziness like throwing up at that time of the month.

Add in some holidays and an ice storm and depression over moving and a two-year-old who takes up almost all of my time and energy, and I don't really have time to deal with this CRAP about changing insurances and finding a new doctor when I'm not sick and blah blah blah.

So I tried to get my prescription for test strips filled. But I couldn't pick them up because first they had to call my doctor to request a refill since They think They have to monitor us to keep us healthy but all that really happens is that sometimes you can't get what you need because They decide you're not playing nice with the system.

By the time the doctor okay'd it, we were in the middle of an ice storm. Luckily, I had plenty of test strips left to last me a couple more days of ice.

Today we finally got to get out and try to get my prescription. It was waiting for me, but of course I had switched insurances so there was that whole rigamarole to go through. (Not that we wanted to switch insurances. We had Aetna, which I'd had before and it worked ok, and Ben's work switched us to BCBS, which we had in NC and was always a problem.)

Then they tell me that I can't get that many test strips per month...unless I do their mail-order form. Um...I'm out of test strips! So the nice pharmacist calls the company and asks for an exception for this month...Nope. They will give me 10 days for $60 and that's it. Um...it only costs me $20 for 30 days, so how the heck does that work out?

And obviously we don't exactly have tons of money to throw at my diabetes, so right now I'm forced to not take any and then go home and yell at the BCBS people...if they don't keep me on hold forever.

So I still don't have my test strips. And if they tell me I was supposed to mail-order, I will yell even louder. This is ridiculous. It's not my fault that I need more test strips than they think is allowable to keep on top of my diabetes. It's not my fault that I don't have a new doctor, either, since I'm not sick but I AM the one who has to live with diabetes, and why the HECK does it make sense for them to control what medications I can't have that have to do with my diabetes, and why do they think it's a good idea to withhold medicines when if I don't get them I can promise you that my blood sugars will not be within range, since I can't tell what the heck they are?

Where do people get the energy to deal with this crap? I'm too tired and depressed from my move to do much besides daily maintenance--feed and take care of myself and my family and try not to have an apoplexy when something in my daily plans goes this awry.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Thanks. I feel marginally better. Now off to wait for a customer service rep. Gag me.

Thanks for the support

2008-12-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

I need it right now. I'm sick with a common cold and I just hate that feeling of the virus strengthening in your system, getting its grip on you. Ugh. Plus of course my blood sugars are crazy high and crazy low and sooooo hard to predict.

At least my stress levels are down now that I'm finally getting adjusted to the move. Of course, that may well be why I finally succumbed to the illness--that whole theory of getting sick once you finally let down your defenses--but I feel much better with a runny nose than I did with a strained psyche.

Here's to hot tea and early bedtime!

Dia-beat

2008-12-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

So here I am, a year and a little bit after I first started this blog, and I barely ever post and I often forget to check in with the d-bloggers I love best.

It's just so disheartening. I really felt so much optimism about connecting with people with diabetes. And I was SO close to getting a pump in NC, and then we had to go and move across the country--and suddenly--and that put me into such a tailspin that I have a feeling I MIGHT be able to START trying again in the new year. Maybe.

I'm just worn out and sad right now, just starting to really feel my sorrow about moving, and my blood sugars have been crazy and wild and unpredictable and STRESS!!!!!!!!!! is making everything worse, along with other things like exhaustion and medications I'd rather not be on but I need them so I don't get really sick.

Anyway. I'm still chugging along with the D, as always, and just wanted to say hi and sorry for being a lousy d-blogger and I know I'm always down on myself in this blog but maybe that helps me a little bit so thanks for reading about it. Anyone have any ideas on how to deal with blood sugars that dip and soar like crazy because of stress? I know the answer is manage your stress but seriously, sometimes you can only do so much.

Happy December, everybody. Can't believe it's almost Christmas already.

Pump Update

2008-10-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone's reading this and wondering if I ever got a pump, the answer is, not quite yet. But I am incredibly close--I just have to get through a move across the country this week, and then find a new doctor as soon as we get settled, and I'll get a pump, which, incidentally, will be FREE with my husband's new insurance.

Woo-hoo! I cannot even say how excited I am. Pump, here I come!

The Pump: tell me all you know

2008-09-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

I talked with a Medtronic Man today. I really really want to go on a pump. Does anyone know of any good sites for comparing different types of pumps and where to start with making these kinds of decisions?
---------------------
I've been absent from this blog for a long time, I know. What can I say? My summer was incredibly hectic and I've also been plagued by a lack of Internet access due to a series of technological difficulties. But of course, I also have my own motivations holding me back. It is so tough to engage with my diabetes on an emotional level. Most days I just have to take care of the minutiae and don't have any room left over for pondering the long-term effects of this disease, or how to change up my routine and make improvements, etc. But I am willing to make a HUGE effort to make a pump work because so many of the problems I have may be eliminated by it--fatigue from frequent lows, overweight and nausea because of eating necessitated by said frequent lows, hormonal swings that are probably strongly tied to the extra weight which comes from the lows, an inability to normally enjoy meals because of this whole issue where I'm either starving or nauseous and unable to think about eating, and did I mention the exhaustion?

Anyway. I'm around. I'm thinking about things. I just have very little time/energy/emotional space to devote to this whole thing. I'm trying. Sorry for not being around.

Even Weirder

2008-06-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like my blood sugar is low, and I test, and it's like 120. Then an hour later it drops suddenly to 45. Or I feel high, test, and it's 97, then an hour later it's 184. I guess that could be a relic of the fact that you're not always getting a reading that reflects what your blood sugar is right at that very moment.

But what's this? Today I have felt high ALL DAY LONG. And my meter has consistently said that my blood sugar was in the 90s, with two exceptions--once it was 116 and once it was 57. I did feel low when I was 57, but I also had some residual "highness" feelings. So what's going on? I've ruled out dehydration, which is usually the culprit if I feel a little high and I'm not. But I have that yucky heavy legs feeling I get when I'm high. I have to pee every five minutes but that's a result of making sure I'm hydrated, probably. I have a funny taste in my mouth. I just don't feel right.

All. Day. Long.

Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Update on my b.s. swings

2008-06-21T14:28:00.001-07:00

...because that's what they feel like. B.S. swings. It took about three days for my blood sugar to sort of even out. Still don't know what that's about but my guess is just some hormonal difference that we haven't figured out yet. Hopefully it won't be like this every month. So here's to learning from the past for a better future.

Gotta go, time for burritos! As James would say, mmmmmmmmmm beans!

I feel like poo today.

2008-06-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

Over the past 24 hours, my blood sugar has been crazy high. It seems to want to stay high and so I have to take massive amounts of insulin to bring it down--and then by the time it works, I get low, and then I get a rebound high.

I am so exhausted. What is going on? A few weeks ago I had the same problem in reverse--I had to cut my insulin regime in half for a few days. And then it went back to normal and my dosages went back to normal and now, holy cow, what IS this? I feel like I've been run over by a truck, hourly.

Plus I'm worried. It's never good to hang out at 250-300. Makes me nervous and scared. And did I mention I feel like crap and even my thinking takes more time and effort? Ugh.

It's ONLY 210 right now and I've taken more insulin to bring it down from that...so I'm going off to try to sleep off this high-blood-sugar hangover and get in what rest I can in case I have more difficulties (high or low) in the middle of the night.

Anyone want to come babysit tomorrow so I can take a nap? PLEASE????

Hi there

2008-06-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

One amazing and crazy trip to Oklahoma with no internet access and one bout of depression later, I'm finally back, and all I can think is how much I hate those stupid "Get your body back" ads for "helping women lose the baby weight" and such.

What? Whose body do they think I have now?

We are so screwed up, at least in this country, about body image and dieting and such. Holy cow.

More soon, if I can pull myself out of this spell of social withdrawal. I just miss my family so much. It STINKS that they are so far away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2008-05-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. It's just that my internet's been total crap lately. I have had the internet MAYBE 5 minutes A DAY for the last two weeks. But it seems like it's better the last two or three days, so keep your fingers crossed and maybe I'll get some new posts up that don't just complain about my connection!

Also of note, my blood sugars have been crazy-low lately. One day I checked probably 13 times and had no number over 80. ALL DAY LONG! And then one morning after breakfast my blood sugar dropped to 37, which is not only crazy low but also a crazy time for my b.s. to drop, considering I usually have an after-breakfast spike.

And, I've been sick and I had my monthly visitor this last week, two events that generally raise blood sugars a little bit. So what gives? So far I have no real answers, but a few guesses, involving wacky hormones and T-Tapp.

Whatever it is, I've had to drastically decrease my daytime Lantus and of course my Humalog is down too, so here's hoping that a) that fixes my problem and b) my insulin requirements stay low. Yay for not having to take as much insulin!

Now I have to go to bed. That being-low-all-the-time thing really wears you out, ya know. G'night!

Random Question

2008-05-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today I was thinking about an upcoming trip we have and all the little details I have to iron out about our flights...

And then I was thinking about the "liquid laws" airlines have in place now, and how I need to call the airline and just ask what exactly I should do with my insulin so that it's not awkward like it's been the last few times...

And then I realized I had a question for the Internets. So, Internets, what does a person with a pump do when going through the whole airport security scenario?

Yet another way changing to a pump might change the way your daily life flows. Hm. Food for thought: what other things will change and be either more difficult or less so that I haven't already thought about, assuming that someday in the next few years I get a pump?

Oh, and how the heck do young moms with pumps keep their kids from accidentally yanking the tubing out?

Last of the Month

2008-04-30T19:06:00.001-07:00

Seriously? I forgot to post yesterday? Holy Geez. Where did that day even go? I sure don't remember.

Anyway.

Things I Have Learned About Myself This April:

1. Blogging every day about my diabetes is like pulling teeth.

2. I have a lot of leftover feelings about a lot of things that I sort of just shoved away in a box underneath the bed.

3. Now is the time to deal with them because they are making me feel like crap.

4. Like how I don't like to talk about my diabetes.

5. I'm a very self-aware person but somehow I've managed to avoid looking at this disease that is such a huge part of my life.

6. I LOVE T-Tapp. My back is feeling about a million times better today than it did a month ago. This morning I actually had a really sore shoulder (probably from how much I had to carry Tyler on my back yesterday), but while I was doing the workout, I actually felt it begin to un-knot and, for lack of a better way to explain it, get fixed. This is so empowering!

7. I really do put myself dead last a lot of the time, just like the stereotypical Mom. I've been wearing broken glasses for over a year now. It is time to get new ones.

8. I love reading other people's blogs, no matter what they're about, but I always feel like this blog is too boring to read. Thanks, though, for sharing whatever it is you've shared on your blog. Being able to read others' writings is key for me in feeling connected with the outside world while caring for two children under the age of two.

9. Speaking of which...I CAN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT THE INTERNET. Our regular 'puter recently died and I am now limited to using the internet sometime between when Ben comes home from work and when I go to bed--you know, during dinner, bath, bedtime, etc...not a lot of chances there. And it seems like I can't get anything done when I get to the computer because by the time I do, I'm just ready for bed, and not exactly a fountain of wisdom or energy and motivation.

10. My list of books to read is never going to get any smaller.

11. I miss being able to watch Conan O'Brien.

12. Did I mention that I'm too tired at the end of the day to say anything coherent? Sorry.

13. I'm amazed and thankful that you stuck around during this month. Thanks so much. Now, hopefully I will resume posting when I actually have something to say, although I will try to post more frequently than I have in the past. But first I'm heading over to James and the Giant Moose to catch up on my posting up there.

Blah

2008-04-28T17:54:00.001-07:00

I have an inordinate amount of rage today because some of our papers got rained on. I knew they were going to get rained on and I took every step I could think of to prevent it from happening but it didn't work and WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME SO MAD?!?

Maybe it's because I didn't manage to do my T-Tapp today. Gotta remember to do that!

I can't believe it's almost May. Time marches on.

Letter to my state

2008-04-27T17:32:00.001-07:00

Dear North Carolina,

Hey, howzit goin'? Things with me are going all right, although I have to say, I generally enjoy living within your borders, but today was not so fun. If you could perhaps reconsider that whole "90% humidity" thing, I'd really appreciate it. Otherwise, this entire season is going to suck for me. Your high temps combined with the incredible amounts of moisture in your air really just make me feel like taking refuge in another state. Or at the very least, lying in a dark room in front of an air conditioner.

How could you do this to me? It's not even MAY yet and you've already brought the pain. Ouch.

Then again, James really REALLY loved it when you rained like crazy this evening. And you chose to bless me with an event that is oh-so-rare here: a cool breeze. So thanks for that. I think maybe I'll stick with you. At least for a little while.

If only you'd consider ditching the pollen.

It's Mac's fault.

2008-04-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

Our computer died today. Not really sure what's wrong with it, but Ben thinks it's a video card problem, which most likely means spending $150-$200 to get a new one. Joy!

So now we actually have to decide if we're going to do it or not. Normally, there would be no question--we just can't survive in this house without a computer. BUT...a couple of weeks ago, something exciting happened to us, and I haven't mentioned it yet because I wasn't sure when or how it would be relevant. Today is that day--WE GOT A MAC!

Yes, I'm typing this entry on our new Mac laptop as I speak. And it is GREAT.

So, there you have it, the bad news and the good news. This could be bad for my blogging because Ben takes this 'puter to work with him, meaning I have no ability to get on the internet All Day Long! I don't know exactly how I'll survive. So pray the "old guy" computer miraculously fixes itself. But either way, at least we have this awesome new one and I'm not completely gone from WebWorld.

Okay. That was probably not so exciting for you. But it has been very exciting for us. When we were waiting for the Mac to be delivered, Ben would literally run over to the window every time he heard a truck drive by. Cute! And we've had lots of fun playing with it so far.

So, what kind of computer do you have? And what do you like and dislike about it? And do you know anything about video cards, like where I can get a cheap one? And don't you love those Mac/PC commercials?

Hope you're all having a happy weekend. See you tomorrow~

Not a single coherent thought in the house.

2008-04-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Sooo...tired.

Can't...stop...watching....CSI Miami.

Only place...men can wear...pink shirts...and not look...like idiots.

Must...

Get...

Sleep...

Happy Weekend!

Zzzzzzzzzz.............

In Which I Reveal the Complex and Myriad Ways I Waste My Time

2008-04-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

I got nothing for ya today, really. I'm just too darn tired. Although, I have to say, T-Tapp is still kickin' my bum and I'm still lovin' it. I'm really wondering if I got a secret back transplant in the middle of the night or something...aches and pains are VERY MINIMAL these last 5 days. Amazing!

Anyway. So, now to the promising title of this post. There are a great many wonderful blogs on the internets that I truly love and I wait anxiously for their owners to post new material and when they do I squeal girlishly with joy. But also, there are quite a few fun websites I enjoy that are not just your typical blog-type thing. (I'm so descriptive.)

For example...

I've recently discovered Slow Wave, a collection of comics based on readers' submitted dreams. Brilliant! So far, my favorite is this one.

I've been spending a lot of time lately searching out fabulous e-cards to send to my friend Amber (hi Amber!). The fabulous website someecards.com has me in stitches. They soooo have my sense of humor. Like this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or especially this one. Also this one. And I can't forget this. This. And this. And this Latin moment for my mom.

Okay, I'll stop now. Well, not really, but I'll stop here. In real life, I'll continue to look up more hilarious cards and laugh to myself about them and try to figure out who I can send them to without offending them. ;)

I've also started exploring the BBC Science and Nature website with these fun surveys and psychology tests. Great way to waste time! And you can say it's educational, too.

There's the famous (or infamous?) Postsecret, where people make postcard art confessing secrets that range from funny and light to serious and life-changing.

The English freak in me really loves The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. It also makes me think of my mother for some reason. =)

And Engrish.com, so classic. Hours and hours of my time have been spent on that site. And it was so worth it.

And then, of course, I've been spending quite a bit of time lately browsing GoodReads and adding to my collection of books I can't wait to read. I don't really spend much time adding books I've already read, but there's always that option too. Wow, that might take me a looooooong time...

That's it for today. Sorry for being a bit flaky. It might be that whole "3 of the last 4 nights I haven't slept" thing. Eh.

Someone help me!

2008-04-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been busy entering the giveaways in the newest edition of the Bloggy Giveaway Carnival, and during this endeavor I came upon a couple of contests involving books. And I just kept seeing recommendations for interesting books, so I went on over to my Goodreads page and now I Can't. Stop. Adding. Books to read!

At this rate, I won't be done with my current to-read list for another decade or so, and by then, I'll have 50 more years of books on the list! =)

Hey, anyone have any good books they want to recommend? I'm always looking...

Reduced to a Meme

2008-04-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

For three out of the last four nights, James has kept me up pretty much all night. Before this, he was down to normally one nursing in the middle of the night, but the last couple of nights, he is thirsty thirsty thirsty so if I don't want to nurse him I have to get up and give him a drink of water...and even that doesn't work all the time. It's been especially hard from about 4-6 a.m., when he is most wakeful, although it isn't as bad as it was in November, because at least he'll stay in bed and not cry...he's just a little fussy and tossing and turning like crazy. At this point I really wish we had a crib to try, but I know my child and I know that would probably just make him miserable. So please, God, let this pass quickly!

In the meantime, I bring you a meme from my IRL friend Jerilyn because I'm too sleepy to come up with a "real" post.

What Ifs:

What if I could meet someone in the art world to chat with?
I'm not really sure what this means. If it means only people who draw, paint, sculpt, etc. I would have to go with Van Gogh, because I think he was craaaazy but also fascinating. Or maybe Monet. For some reason I think he'd be calmer. =)

What if I could have one wish granted for the benefit of all mankind?
Ooh. Tough one. World peace is the obvious answer, so I'll go with something a little different, even though that would be just SWELL. I'll say...I wish I could give them all my mindset and altruism and openness to differences, so then world peace could be resolved on its own! Ha ha ha. No, I don't really take myself that seriously. I don't know. Maybe I'd wish for a worldwide inability to inflict violence on others, so not only would wars cease, but personal violence would be gone as well. Then again, I'd love it if we could get this whole pollution/global warming/killing the earth thing fixed up. Yeah, I'm not very good at choosing just one thing, apparently.

What if I could travel anywhere in the world?
Then I'd go everywhere! But if I had to limit myself to one place...it's a tie between Scotland and Cuba. So again I'm not good at limiting myself to one. Oops.

What if I could live in a period other than the present, for 24 hours?
Well, first I'd have to have a working pancreas so I don't feel like total crap the whole time...but then I'd go to Tudor England, DUH! Not only is Elizabeth I one of my personal "most fascinating characters in history" but I know tons and tons of random details about the period.

Also, if I went back when Henry VIII was young instead, that might be kinda fun. You know, before he got corpulent and crazy.

What if I could become an animal for 24 hours?
I'd probably do it. Oh wait. You want to know what kind of animal I'd be? I'd probably be a wasp. Because I always feel like they're stalking me and they want to do me harm, so I'd get to see if they really are as angsty and angry as my vision of them in my head. But for fun I'd want to be a fish or a bird, so I could experience breathing water or flying, that kind of thing. If I was being smart about it, I'd choose to be a big cat because then I wouldn't be worried about something else eating me...plus if I was a cheetah I could experience that whole running-at-70-miles-an-hour thing. Yes, that's right, not even trying to choose just one thing anymore...

What if I could bring someone back to life for 24 hours?
A little creepy, but okay. I'd probably pick someone I never knew in real life, because that way I don't have to go through all the heartache of losing them all over. So let's go back to that Tudor question...Elizabeth, because I'm sure Henry could inflict plenty of damage, even in just a day.

Okay, that's it. I did the T-Tapp again today, and again it kicked my bum. Ah, it feels good to have a straight back! Sweet dreams~

Day Three

2008-04-21T19:41:00.001-07:00

Yes, I did my workout again this morning. I am so proud. Especially since James kept me up again in the night (2 hours, maybe?). Ben really helps motivate me, although he did promise to do it with me and then backed out because HE was too tired. But that just made me feel good that I did it anyway.

So, Day Three of this little experiment can be described this way: owie owie ow ow ow AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It was TOUGH to get through that workout this morning. But then for the rest of the day my back actually felt straight and my neck didn't hurt and I didn't have a headache either! Since these are symptoms I usually get quite often (most likely from carting around 2 kids under 2 most days), it was nice to be symptom-free!

Although I definitely have that whole "muscles that I didn't even know I had are now very sore" thing going on. Wow.

But I'm looking forward to tomorrow, because the book promises that Day Three is the breakthrough day and it will be easier on Day Four. I guess we'll find out soon enough! G'night.

Day Two

2008-04-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

I did the workout again today. It really makes my back feel amazing and wonderful and NOT SORE. But...today I am feeling the burn even more. Which, I know, is probably a good thing, but whoa. My arms are especially sore, and I am ultra-fatigued. I'm wondering if maybe this is part of that whole "increases lymphatic system function" thing? Like maybe my lymphatic system is really pumping The Bad Stuff out of my body at a higher rate today, so it makes me feel worn out?

Or maybe I'm just worn out because I've done a new killer workout two days in a row. Woot woot!

Or maybe it was the high-low pattern of my blood sugars today...Persistently high-ish for the first half of the day, persistently low for the second half. Yeesh.

I always have trouble remembering to scale back on the insulin when I've had a good workout. Hopefully I can remember this one because I'll do it every day for the rest of the week!

Thank God and T-Tapp for straightening out my back, though. It feels LOVELY! =)

In other news, I sort of hate Sunday nights. Because after Sunday nights come Monday mornings. Boo Monday mornings!

See you tomorrow.

2008-04-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

I recently purchased a book/video set that is supposed to be a "wellness workout." It makes all kinds of grand promises about curing all your aches and pains, helping your lymphatic system work more efficiently, as well as trimming and toning you. It sounds like an infomercial to me. But, as I mentioned when I reviewed the book recently, I know people in real life who also sing its praises, so when it was on sale recently, I bit the bullet.

I was supposed to start working out April 11, the beginning day of a 60-day challenge proposed on the website. But, as I've mentioned before, my life gets in the way of my plans A LOT, and thus I only started today.

And WHOA. In just 15 minutes, I was huffing and puffing and feeling the burn. But luckily, so were some of the people who were on the video! (By the way, don't you love it when an exercise video has normal-looking people on it instead of weird yoga supermodels? This one features an 80-ish lady who rocks the workout. It's great!) So apparently that's pretty much supposed to happen.

But the best part is that now, several hours afterwards, my back is feeling really nice and loose and relaxed and un-achey. So I'm going to try really, really hard to do this video every day for a week.

I'll keep you posted!

Buggin'

2008-04-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I kept thinking about how I tend to write about the rough parts of my life when mostly my life is pretty great. But then I also kept thinking that it's true that I often get that "Why me?!?" feeling. Like last night, when James woke me up at 4 a.m. and didn't let me fall back asleep until sometime after 6. And of course, I had to get up by 7:30 at the latest because Tyler comes over at 8. So I was sort of screaming in my head about how unfair it was that I STILL HAVE NOT SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT SINCE JAMES WAS BORN! Why are some people blessed with children who ease into sleep like it's no problem at all, and why was I not one of these people?

You know the routine.

(Okay, side note: it's not like James has these kinds of nights every night. He usually "sleeps" all night but I have to very slightly wake up during the night once or twice to help him stay down. There was an entire month where he woke up almost every single night for multiple hours of the night, and I thought I was going to die, but mostly, the sleeping thing is fairly decent...it's just that I still don't get my sleeping needs met, so I'm on an almost-two-year deficit now, and that is sooooooo not good for my health, mental clarity, or sanity.)

So I was feeling good about my day yesterday, but also thinking WHY do all these things keep happening to ME?

And then I went to the bathroom to pee before getting into bed last night. And a bug tried to fly up my bum.

NO, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. A Bug. Tried to Fly. Up. My. BUM!!!

Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this. I know that campers are used to having multiple bugs flying around their exposed bums when they do their business, and they probably don't even bat an eye when a bug happens to, uh, butt into them accidentally. But this was beyond the pale for the privacy, serenity, and relative cleanliness of my own bathroom, ya know?

I alternately shuddered and laughed about it for several minutes. Then I went to tell Ben and we laughed about it together. And then I decided it was God's way of gifting me with the perfect thing to blog about today.

Because eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww. But HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Seriously. Why DO these things always happen to ME?

You're my leather couch.

2008-04-17T10:30:00.001-07:00

So here's the thing: I repress my feelings about my diabetes, and I repress my general depression too. Thus, I can be witty and fun when writing about James because that is a part of my life that makes me very, very happy, and I can just shut out all the complications and troubles, at least most of the time.

But then when I come here and try to post, it always ends up so maudlin that I don't feel like I should even write on this blog, because it's depressing and no one would want to read about me and my boo-hoo-hoos anyway.

However, I've changed my mind about that, since I recently realized that this whole diabetes blog thing is really just my own personal psychotherapy (in a very public, whole-world-can-read-along kind of a way). I still feel like apologizing for my boring writing and my depressing posts. But I'll try to hold back on the apologies and just let it all hang out, mind-dump on you here, because I've come to the conclusion that it's good for me. One of the main reasons I get sad is that I am lonely here. Most of my friends and family are far away. I don't get to talk to many of them, and when I do, it's not for long. The friends I have here are great but not necessarily people who want to hear me whining All. Day. Long. as I seem to want to do on this blog.

So, sorry again if you find this boring and depressing. But it's good for me. So thanks for being here for the boring and depressing side of me. I appreciate it. Maybe if I can get through the depressing stuff, just blog it all out, eventually the sunshine will break through and I'll have interesting and fun things to blog about.

Stay tuned?

Same Song, Second Verse

2008-04-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

A little bit louder and a little bit worse?

Here I am, 10:30 at night, just getting the chance to sit down at the computer, finally. And again I am too tired to really think coherently or come up with an interesting post. I had one started, but don't have the energy or mental wherewithal to finish it for you now.

It's so depressing how I never have any time to accomplish the things I want to accomplish. On April 11, I was supposed to start this new exercise routine that I got called T-Tapp, and do a 60-day challenge thing where everyone is participating and so you have that whole group support thing that is supposed to really help...but I haven't even done the workout ONCE! And it only takes 15 minutes to do. It's just that when I do have that elusive 15 minutes of "free time," I want to do something else with it like sleep or just NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

This is why my house always looks like a nuclear accident site. I am so sick of it, but it takes energy to do anything about it, and that I do not have.

Good night. Sweet dreams. Here's hope for a more pleasant tomorrow.

My life, a constant state of delay.

2008-04-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

Well. I didn't blog for Type I diabetes awareness yesterday, and it looks like I'm not going to get to do anything exciting and profound here today either. This just fits into the general pattern of my life, which is that anything not entirely essential to the life and well-being of myself and my family often goes undone for days, weeks, months. I just don't really have it together. This has been hard on me, but I can catch glimpses of what my life will be like once I get to catch up a little bit on my sleep, should that day ever come.

I sincerely hope that day will come soon. Until it does, however, I just can't be a reliable blogger, because I can't even manage to do all the dishes at night or remember to pay all my bills on time. James was fairly fussy today because he was sick, and that pretty much takes it all out of me. So, sorry, no amazing insight to be had here today. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow. I have lots of ideas for posts, if I can ever get around to writing and then publishing them!

I did, however, finish the Raise Your Voice post that I started the other day, and then posted it over on James and the Giant Moose. I figure this maximizes the reach of my personal Type I awareness campaign, because so many people read that one who are NOT diabetic and who DON'T read this one. So please, go read it and pretend I posted it here, okay?

I raised my voice, and it turned out that today it was whiny.

2008-04-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's 10:45 p.m.

James just fell asleep 10 minutes ago.

He threw up before that, because he's extremely congested, which is why he couldn't fall asleep, and then he got upset because we had the audacity to try to squeege his nose.

(You know...that little blue thing? The bulb syringe? When we use it, we call it "squeeging." I don't know if there's a more proper technical term, but feel free to use mine if you'd like to.)

I also feel quite sick to my stomach.

Therefore, there will be no meaningful post on diabetes today like I planned. I'm bummed because it's already half-written and I was excited to get to participate in something like this, to really feel like a part of the diabetes online community (the OC for those in the know), and yet my life manages to intervene again.

Sorry folks. The Big D is a part of my life every single day, and some days are harder than others. I'll be posting more about raising my voice for diabetes awareness tomorrow...as long as we're not all sick as dogs. We'll see.

Good night!

Raise Your Voice

2008-04-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, Monday, April 14, is Raise Your Voice for Type I Diabetes Day. At least, that's what I read on one of the most famous D-blogs out there, Six Until Me. So I'll be raising my voice in every way that I possibly can while also taking care of two kids under two...won't you do the same? (Raise awareness for diabetes, I mean, not taking care of the two little guys.)

Here is a list that Kerri Morrone, the author of Six Until Me, has published with some ideas of how to get the word out to the world about what our lives are like, and how to make a difference.

So what are some things that non-diabetics can do?

Maybe you can reach out to a diabetic you know and ask them to educate you about their life experiences with this disease. Maybe you can simply read up on it a little yourself. Do you actually know the difference between Type I and Type II diabetes? Do you know what to do and what NOT to do if you're with a diabetic and he or she has low blood sugar? What would you serve for dinner if you were hosting a diabetic banquet? Can diabetics drink alcohol? Can they eat brownies? Can they have normal pregnancies? (Hopefully you know at least part of the answer to that one if you read this blog....)

And if those things don't interest you...is there anything about life with diabetes that you'd like to know? That you'd like to ask me? I'd be happy to answer!

I'll be back tomorrow. Not sure what direction I'll be taking this Raise Your Voice thing, as there are many different things I could write about...so maybe I'll make this Raise Your Voice week and just start it off tomorrow. Although technically this is my voice-raising diabetes-blogging month already....

Ah, whatever. I'm too tired to contemplate this anymore tonight. Darn allergens are really kickin' my bum lately, so good night, sleep tight, and see you on the flip side!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2008-04-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

Well, CRAP.

Today at about noon I was sitting in the kitchen, peacefully and happily eating my sweet potato covered in Just Veggies (yum!), when it suddenly occurred to me that I didn't post yesterday.

DANGIT!

So yes, Megan, the BloPoMo gods have expressed their displeasure. But luckily for me, one of them happens to be a Type I diabetic who has recently given birth, so she sort of understands where I'm coming from.

Okay, I made that up. But you know what? For some reason, I just don't mind as much that I missed a day posting here as I would've if I'd skipped a day back in November on James and the Giant Moose.

Probably has something to do with that whole accountability thing, since I didn't actually sign up to blog all month this time around. Well, that and the prizes. Since I didn't lose any chances at a prize, how can I really be that upset?

Never fear. I WILL be back tomorrow for another post. I won't post again here tonight because I have two book reviews I have to do first!

Sweet dreams~

The Big D

2008-04-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

I may have isolated one of the reasons that I can't seem to write much about my diabetes. It seems like every time I sit down to write about it, it comes out as some sort of exegesis on Life With Diabetes instead of what MY life with diabetes is all about.

And I'm thinking that that may be because of my attitude about my diabetes. What is my attitude, you ask? Well...that's the thing...I'm not entirely sure. I just know that I don't really like to think about my diabetes much, except for the troubleshooting aspects of it, like why did I have low blood sugar this afternoon, or how can I get my blood sugars to stay down after breakfast? Because when I do think about what my life with diabetes has been like, I can't help but feel regret for the life I might have had without diabetes.

Which, personally, I think is crazy! Because I know that my life would be so very different without diabetes...who knows how drastically some tiny little difference could have altered my life's path? And I am so happy with where I am, so in love with Ben and so amazed by my love for James, that I don't want to have experienced life without diabetes, because without it, I wouldn't have them, and I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

But I sure am ready for that cure. How about tomorrow? Please?

Yummy in my tummy

2008-04-09T17:47:00.001-07:00

So tonight I made a "new vegan" dish that was the very first one this go-round that we all ABSOLUTELY LOVED. And because Ben needs the computer tonight, so I don't have time to sit and think of a more fascinating and eloquent post, here's the recipe:

Chick Peas Italiano

1 Tbsp plus 1 tsp veg oil
1 1/2 c chopped onions
1 1/2 c chopped green pepper
~3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 can chick peas, rinsed and drained
1 can tomatoes, undrained, chopped
1 8-oz can tomato sauce
~1/2 tsp dried oregano
~1/2 tsp dried basil

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add onions, green pepper, garlic. Cook until onions are lightly browned, 10-15 minutes.

Add remaining ingredients, mixing well. Cover, reduce heat to low, cook 20 minutes.

Spoon over noodles or rice.

This came from the cookbook Lean and Luscious Meatless by Bobbie Hinman and Millie Snyder that my nice friend Bev from the international moms' club loaned me. We will definitely be having it again....and again, and again, and again!

A Good Day

2008-04-08T19:31:00.001-07:00

I started writing a post in my head this morning, one that complained about what a horrible time I had at the mechanic's today and how it made me sink down into the depths of despair about my whole life yet again...

But then the boys distracted me for a few hours, and when I came back to it, I realized that I had a pretty good day. This was due almost entirely to the fact that James loved on me a bunch and then pretended to do the dishes all day:

SO MUCH FUN! AND DID I MENTION ADORABLE?

It also helps that I got to hold a tiny little sleeping baby (Tyler), and that I learned that I don't have to take care of Zachary any more. HUGE weight off my back, as I've been going back and forth on how to handle that whole situation because I was feeling very burnt out there.

So anyway. I had a pretty good day. How could you not, with this guy by your side?

Thanks, everybody!

2008-04-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

...For commenting on my Hollywood Diabetes musings.

Unfortunately, I've been so wrapped up in reading my comments and thinking about those that I totally forgot to come up with another post for today. Oops.

However, I was thinking earlier how Bret Michaels is a diabetic and has his own reality show now. I'm sure Rock of Love is far, far from accurate and realistic, but I wonder if they ever even mention his diabetes on the show...Has anyone seen it? Any idea? Did you know he was diabetic?

Or how about this: who's your favorite famous diabetic? Or do you know of any? Mine is probably Jean Smart, because I used to adore Designing Women when I was a kid. And because she looks so darn good these days. (Well, when she's not playing a druggie or alcoholic or whatever she was in Garden State.) Oh, and she's a good actress, at least according to me.

Y'all, it's way past my bedtime. Shame on me for staying up to watch The Soup Presents again. Do we sense a pattern here?

Diabetes+Hollywood=Bad Combination

2008-04-06T19:03:00.001-07:00

I know you've heard about Halle Berry's confusion over her own diabetic diagnosis. And thinking about that led me to thinking about how basically everything in Hollywood is unreflective of real life. We all know that Hollywood tends to get a lot of technical details wrong in the movies. And I think it's true that people tend to be most upset at times when the movies get something wrong that we personally know about. Just ask my husband the meteorologist about the "weather facts" in Twister and watch the sparks fly.

So here are some of my thoughts on some of Hollywood's portrayals of diabetes:

1. I was watching reruns of One Tree Hill recently...(did I just admit that? Online? Where the whole world can see? Ouch.) ...And during the school-shooting episode, there's a girl who supposedly has diabetes. Within an hour, she goes from just fine to looking like death, and one of the main characters says, "Oh my gosh, you're diabetic. Where's your insulin?" to which she replies that it's in her locker...

I find this irritating because it seems like people always think that when a diabetic is feeling bad, they must need insulin. ESPECIALLY when there is an emergency that comes up quickly, like within an hour, it's usually LOW blood sugar, not high. Just to be clear, when I have low blood sugar, if you gave me an insulin shot, it would probably kill me.

But people always think they know how to treat diabetics. Do persons with other diseases get preached at the same way diabetics do? Like when I had a friend who chronically drank to get drunk who said that she saw me having a cocktail at dinner and was concerned about me, since everyone knows diabetics aren't supposed to have alcohol. Huh?

Or the famous stranger-in-the-restaurant or friend-of-a-friend who learns you're diabetic and then yells at you that YOU SHOULD NOT EAT THAT CAKE IT WILL KILL YOU NOW. These types of situations are tough. Which brings me to my next movie moment:

2. Steel Magnolias. I only saw this once, and I don't even remember if there are any blaring inaccuracies like treating hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) with insulin, but I do know that this has struck fear into the hearts of everyone who saw it and who learned that I was pregnant in 2005. That just isn't good. I get that Hollywood isn't supposed to be realistic, really, but it sticks in people's minds because it's the only example of a diabetic pregnancy that they've ever heard of. And it's a bad one, not only because of how things turn out for, what was her name? Shelly? But because it is NOT something that is likely to happen, especially to someone in good control with NO complications...like me! But speaking of treating hypos...

3. Did you ever see Panic Room? This is a somewhat small detail in the movie but it strikes me as the most ridiculous diabetes error I can think of: The mom and daughter are stuck in the panic room in their house, burglars trying to get them or whatever, and the daughter is having a low...and they freak out because there isn't any food in the room...only ketchup. ONLY KETCHUP? OH NO! You know, if I ever had to be stuck in a room with only one edible substance during a hypo, BRING ON THE KETCHUP! That stuff has a super-high sugar content, which is exactly what is needed during a hypo...forget what you heard from that guy who told you I can't eat cake.

So yeah, I know these are only a couple examples, and I know Hollywood isn't necessarily supposed to reflect reality, but...come one! I could go on, but I'm aware of my tendency to be long-winded, so I'll spare you. Also? I'm still a bit tired, so I'm trying to go to bed soon. But I probably won't, because Iron Chef America is on tonight. Allez cuisine!

See you tomorrow~

Why am I so tired?

2008-04-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

Maybe because it's been raining for the past 10 days straight?

Maybe because pollen is on the attack and my world is covered in green fuzzy dust?

Maybe because it's 10 p.m. and I still haven't showered, which means I won't get to bed for at least another 30-45 minutes?

Maybe because I took a (beautiful, lovely, delicious) nap today, but it was cut short when I woke up feeling funny and my blood sugar was 36?

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

I'm sorry. I don't have a coherent post in me. I'm off to bed. See you tomorrow.

P.S. Does anyone else have the problem of having to get up in the night to pee when you DON'T have high blood sugar? I've been struggling with this lately, because I'm always dying of thirst, so I have to drink a ton of water, but then getting up in the night (I only do it once) is just so painful because I'm SO TIRED. People keep telling me to stay away from water at night, but it's been an hour since my last glass of water and I am already feeling like a dried and pruney, ucky version of myself. Not sure what to do about that, just wondering if anyone else had similar experiences or whatever. Sorry if that's not very coherent. See above post. ;)

I know you think I'm a freak now. But I'm ok with that.

2008-04-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

It's funny how we (people in this culture and this time) always talk about the horrors of being a woman. You know, the pain of childbirth, the scary PMS commercials, and all the bad things we have to say about menopause.

Well, guess what? I say it's all bull. I had a painfree and drugfree childbirth, and it liberated me. It made me realize that my body is not broken just because I'm a woman, so why should all these normal female events be so bad? (And yes, I had heard this idea before in all my liberal college education-type studies, but you know, nothing like experience to drive home the point.)

It's all about perception. You see, most of us here, today, won't have painfree childbirth, or for that matter, joyful PMS, because the idea that it's bad is so deeply embedded in our culture conscience. (Is my anthropology degree showing yet?) This reminds me of the true story of people who fall down dead because they think they're going to. See, the death is real, but there isn't a physiological reason behind it...they willed themselves dead by thinking they were going to die. And if someone can do something so powerful, is it really that hard to understand that I'm saying not that these pains aren't real, but simply that they don't have to be? That maybe they're real but they come from a place that is not in our bodies?

Now...why the heck am I getting all anthropological and weird on you? Well, because I'm in the middle of a big ol' PMS day, my third post-pregnancy PMS, and for the third time, I've noticed something: being in this place mentally is actually good for me. It is the one time that I can think about all the negative aspects of life constructively, that I have a chance at creatively solving these things instead of just muddling through them.

So even though I've felt pretty frazzled, I know it's weird but...in a way I'm grateful, because I've had all these same problems for awhile now, and this has actually galvanized me to do something about them, and helped me figure out things that might help.

So, thank you, PMS, for showing me where I've gone wrong and helping me find my way.

I hope I haven't completely freaked you out or confused you. I'm just sayin', is all. If it doesn't make sense to you, no biggie. But if it does...well, who wouldn't want to have these things be painless and joyful?

Two bads and a good

2008-04-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Today my blood sugars were crazy. Woke up low, at 54. An HOUR later? 290. An hour and a half after that? 42. (And no, I did not do a crazy over-correct to get that second low. I took THREE UNITS. What was I supposed to do? Leave it at 290? Not bloody likely!)

Anyway. I think this can be directly traced to two factors. The first is my breakfast. I always, always eat a bowl of oatmeal in the morning, and because the last few days have been so rough, we are pretty much out of normal food, so I ate some dry cereal instead. MISTAKE. This is why diabetics are often not very excited about eating new foods--because we have no idea how they'll affect our blood sugars, and sometimes it can be really tough to get a handle on the right dose for a new meal.

The second factor is the hormone factor. I forgot how much my blood sugar tends to fluctuate when it's about that time of the month. Just another way that diabetes affects things that non-PWDs probably never think about, and that I have to re-adjust myself to constantly.

Luckily...I married the right man. Ben came home early today and let me take a nap from about 3:30 to 5:30. And even though my blood sugar was a little bit high when I woke up...I still feel SO MUCH BETTER.

But now he's back at work to make up for coming home early. And I miss him. I have the best husband in the world!

So today was a good day. And now I'm going to talk to my sister on the phone and then go to bed...a good night. =)

One of those days

2008-04-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like total poo today. I'm exhausted and cranky. I've been sleep deprived for, oh...21 months or so now. I also feel vaguely achy and allergic, since a few days ago the trees opened up and released the bright green shiny pollen dust that now coats EVERYTHING around here. AND...I think my fertility is trying to establish itself again. Hello there, PMS. I've missed you.

Also, I have diabetes. Sometimes I think that diabetics are just chronically more tired than the average person, and that we just have to muddle through and push ourselves to live at the same pace as everyone else. But then I realize that's totally not true...it's just that I feel that way because of everything that's going on in my life, and my diabetes is a huge part of that tiredness burden. It is true that any time I have low or high blood sugar, it makes me feel fatigued, and when you add that on top of the aforementioned issues I'm having, it just leaves me sooooo drained.

And then the PMS thing just makes me look around my house and say LORD DELIVER ME FROM THIS CRAPHOLE! I am so tired of the mess and of being too tired to clean it up.

Thanks for listening to me whine. I'm going to bed now because I think that's wisest.

Otherwise, I might find something else to be irritated about.

I just can't stop.

2008-04-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that April is going to be my month to post my thoughts on my life and my diabetes EVERY DAY. I just haven't been able to bring those thoughts out into the open much lately, so I'm excited to be dedicating myself to MAKING myself write every day this month.

Anyway, I thought I'd start with something fairly non-diabetes-related...Donna's Six-Word Memoir meme! Here are the instructions she gave me:

1) Write your own six word memoir;
2) Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like;
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere;
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links; and
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

And here's my memoir:

Watching, listening,
Thinking, talking,
Loving living.

And then for fun...the diabetes-related alternate that didn't make the cut:

High, low, fast, slow, always me.

And the one that is truest to my blogging life and style:

Almost never able to remain concise.

And I'm going to pass this cool meme out into the non-diabetes world, since I know just about everyone in D-land has been tagged already. Therefore, I tag:

My blog-world friend Veronica, because just today she posted about not having anything to post;
My sister, because I can always count on her, and therefore maybe I can count on her to do this;
My mom friend Tara, because I know she will spread the meme love;
My husband, because his will be hopefully be about chocolate;
And my college buddy Jimmie, because she's fun, and maybe she'll make her (wacky) husband do it too.
Oh, heck, I'll just tag Aaron as well, since I want to see what his mind comes up with.

See you tomorrow!

What do YOU think?

2008-03-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

I just posted my review of Dr. Neal Barnard's Program for Reversing Diabetes. Has anyone else out there read this book? Did you like it? Did you hate it? What have you heard about it?

And for that matter...does anyone know of a place I can go to hear what fellow diabetics thought about different health books? And if you don't...maybe you should design one! I know I'd use it. ;)

And thanks, Donna, for tagging me! I promise I'll get to it soon. I've actually decided that I'm going to devote April to this blog, do my own BloPoMo, because it's strange to me that I don't post on here very often, and I want to explore how my diabetes and the rest of my life intersect more than I have before.

So, I know I always say it...but this time I actually have PLANS to be back soon.

I'll be seeing you!

Delicious AND Nutritious!

2008-03-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

Since I've reinstated my mostly-vegan diet recently, I have found a new favorite dish: Lebanese-Style Lentils and Pasta from Dr. Neal Barnard's Program for Reversing Diabetes. Here's what it looks like:

And here is the recipe:

5 c. low-sodium vegetable broth
1 c. uncooked brown lentils, rinsed
2 med. onions, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tsp. ground cumin
4 c. chopped chard, kale, or other greens or 1 package (10 0z.) frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
4 oz. spaghetti, broken into 4"-long pieces
1/4 c. chopped fresh parsley or cilantro
pinch of cayenne pepper
2 Tbsp. lemon juice
salt and pepper to taste

Bring the broth and lentils to a boil in a medium saucepan. Reduce heat to low, cover, cook about 25 minutes or until lentils are tender but still hold their shape.

Steam-fry onions, garlic, and cumin in a large, heavy nonstick saucepan, stir-fry pan, or deep skillet until soft, adding very small amounts of water as needed to prevent sticking and burning. (Or place in microwaveable dish, cover, and micro on high for 7 minutes.)

Pour lentils and broth into pan with onions. Add greens, pasta, parsley or cilantro, and cayenne. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium. Cook, uncovered, about 10 minutes or until pasta is tender and most of the broth has been absorbed, leaving a sauce. Add the lemon juice and mix well. Season with salt and pepper. Serve hot.

This was SO AMAZING! that I decided I'd post it here so I could have an easy future reference for when I want to make it again. It made about 4 servings, as the book says, so I had plenty left over for lunch the next day...and it was just as good then as it was for dinner.

However...Ben said he likes meals that "assault the senses" and this dish didn't do that for him, apparently, so if you have an eater who wants the spices to slap him in the face rather than gently unfold in your mouth, you could add more cayenne and/or lemon juice and/or mess around with it some other way. But I thought it was perfection just the way it was.

Wait, actually, I only used one onion. And I used green lentils, and rainbow chard. And I used angel hair instead of straight spaghetti. Just to be precise here.

So, that's one example of what a vegan eats for dinner. Oh, and I had an apple with it for dessert...mmmmmm, Pink Lady apples, the best food on the planet.....

I have no desire for meat and dairy after eating this meal, that's for sure!

Note To Self

2008-02-26T18:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Self! When you go back on a mostly-vegan, low-fat, low-GI diet....DON'T TAKE SO MUCH GOSH-DARN INSULIN!

It's only been about 4 days since we decided to seriously give this a go again, and I've already cut my Humalog down by...MORE THAN HALF! Whoa. I just did the calculations, and I went from about 31 units a day to about 13...and that is still too much so far.

A little background...I did the vegan thing for about a year before I got pregnant with James. I did it because my doctor suggested it, because I had persistent sinus infections. It made me feel SO GREAT. But when I got pregnant...well...I don't know if I needed meat, but I wanted it, and I wanted to take the easiest route of "healthy" eating possible, since I had to put so much energy into keeping my diabetes in perfect control during that time. And I was working full-time, etc etc etc. And since then...I'm just now sort of emerging from the haze of new parenthood, and am SO READY to feel that good again.

More on all that later. Time to go update my other blog with more pictures! (If my internet connection works...)

Until next time~

Oops...again...

2008-02-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

So, I guess I wasn't going to start posting again as soon as I thought...since I've been sick yet again...and still am.

Yesterday and Monday my fever was 103 F. It all feels like a blur to me. You can imagine how great my blood sugars have been. And I really haven't been able to eat much. Ugh.

I wonder if other diabetics have any tricks for either staying healthy or getting over colds easier? I know that can be an issue, I know sometimes I have a hard time shaking an ordinary illness as easily as the rest of my family. Any thoughts?

...and hopefully I'll be back soon, really, as long as I'm well.

Peace and love~

Haiku Summary

2008-02-07T10:46:00.001-08:00

Since I've taken a blogging hiatus and I'm also still recovering from all the new things in our lives, I'm just gonna give you a good dose of bad haiku to catch you up on what's been going on in our household lately:

James loves to say "shot"
Even during glucose check
And at toothbrush time.

We puked mightily
Last weekend and each lost weight.
Not my diet plan.

A six-week-old kid
Is not a toddler and a
Toddler thinks this sucks.

Ben has taken the
Huge test called Qual for school; we're
Lucky he still breathes.

Snowed and rained these weeks--
Yesterday, 80 degrees.
Global warming much?

Just kidding about
The global warming, or my
Husband would kill me.

Oh yeah, this blogging thing...

2008-02-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the temporary hiatus.

There is an incredibly long adjustment period when you start to take care of a newborn and you already have a toddler, did you know?

And when you also start to take care of a three-year-old...did you know that time period doubles?

Yeah, me either.

It's been good, mostly. Except for the puking. The puking was not so much fun.

So more later, promise. Just thought I'd say we're all still alive, and I'll be back soon. All my love till next time~

Shot

2008-01-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

I was taking my shot for dinner today when my son pointed at me and said, "shot."

We have been working lately on making sure that he knows that he can point at Mommy's medicine but NOT TOUCH IT. And, while explaining this, we apparently use the word "shot" a lot. And since he's in that 18-month-old learn-five-words-a-day phase, it makes sense that he picked it up so easily.

And, you know, he knows probably knows 75 signs, 15 or 20 spoken words, and...oh, several hundred animal noises. But I don't know. It still all feels like "first words" right now.

And I never thought "shot" might be one of my child's first words. Funny how diabetes can creep up on you and surprise you like that.

Another day, another time I almost forgot to post

2008-01-14T18:28:00.001-08:00

Ugh. Ten days since I posted here.

I have been enjoying getting back to normal after the holidays. I've been able to play outside more with James, which is really nice for both of us. I've been cleaning house like mad to get ready for the fact that I might not get to do it as much after this Friday comes. What's this Friday? It's the first day that I'm officially "nannying" for a 6-week-old baby boy.

So hopefully I'll get to blog a few more times before then, since who knows what the level of chaos will be in my house after he starts coming over here several days a week.

Oh, and I also... started a new blog. Crazy, I know. But I wanted to keep a record of what books I read this year, and what I think of them. You can check it out if you want to. Or not. Whatever.

And hopefully I'll be back soon with more info and more pictures! Sorry for the long absence.

Perfect Explanation

2008-01-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

Just a light and fluffy post today. Wanted to share a really great piece of information about what diabetes is like.
When you click on it, scroll down to "The Airplane Analogy." This is about the best description I've seen of the daily uncertainties of living with diabetes, as well as a good picture of what it takes to achieve "good control."
You can read the earlier stuff as well if you'd like, the basic summary of Type I v. Type II diabetes, etc, but that is more standard stuff that I think you could find in a lot of places, whereas The Airplane Analogy is bright, shining perfection.
I don't know him, but thank you, Scott Hanselman, for sharing your moment of brilliant insight. And I hope my family and friends enjoy your analogy as much as I do.

Guidelines for 2008

2008-01-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

As we all know, New Year's Resolutions are famous for being left in the dust by the time February or March comes around.

So I'm trying guidelines this year. Wish me luck!

Category 1: Food and Eating
1. Pay attention to portion sizes.
2. Pay attention to feelings of hunger and fullness. Heed them!
3. Plan out weekly menus every Saturday, go grocery shopping every Sunday. Stick to it!
4. Find some great low blood sugar treatments that don't wreck my diet.
5. Don't eat anything I wouldn't feed my son. Or at least, don't eat it in front of him.

Category 2: Exercise and feeling good
1. Do yoga or stretching every day.
2. Walk at least 3 times a week, for at least 3o minutes, rain or shine. (Seem familiar? This is the tune I was singing right before Thanksgiving, and also right before the Month of Crazy. Didn't happen yet....but tomorrow is, as always, a brand new day.)
3. Meditate at least once a week. Maybe I can get Ben to take James out of the house every Saturday afternoon or something. Don't forget how much peace of mind this brings me!
4. Make time each week for writing just a little. Even if it's just blogging. Don't forget how good this makes me feel!

Category 3: Other diabetes-related
1. Log every day. Don't give up on it.
2. Find a good endo around here, call my new insurance, and actually go!
3. Take less insulin. Then check more. Constant vigilance!
4. Find some way to get a pump. At least look into it more.

Category 4: Organization and cleaning
1. Forget about it.

Not What I Wanted for Christmas

2007-12-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

548 days ago, I gave birth to my beautiful and wonderful firstborn son, James.

Since then, I have been temporarily infertile, in the state known as "lactational amenorrhea." It has been such a blessing to have a break from old Aunt Flo.

But I am cranky. I am fatigued. I am pessimistic. I am irritable. I am breaking out. I am having the kind of stomach cramps that make you question everything you've consumed in the past 48 hours. And my blood sugars have been rising for the last couple of days, a phenomenon that I couldn't explain until I put 2 and 2 together and got 548.

My cycle-free days are numbered. PMS, here I come!

Now, where did I put the chocolate?

The Blame Game

2007-12-26T18:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, we held a successful Christmas Day Event at our house for the first time. Ben and I have been together for seven Christmases now, but we have always been off somewhere else for The Big Day. This year we decided we couldn't go anywhere without our stress levels soaring and without pain and suffering on our part and for The Boy. So we let family come to us. And we had such a great time!

But I sort of forgot about the stress that comes along with hosting and with family gatherings. Ben and I had a great time preparing a delicious comfort-foods dinner (including meatloaf, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots and green beans, and homemade rolls), but we did have to run around the kitchen all Iron-Chef-like for a bit.

And there's the mental stress of trying to avoid overindulging, of knowing that for most people, another scoop of potatoes is no big deal, but I just can't let myself without paying the price, and of having to deal with how unfair that feels sometimes. There's also the emotional burden of worrying about inter-family relations. Even if everyone does get along (which they did), that doesn't mean I don't worry about it constantly! And there's the self-loathing that I feel every time I think about how clean my house is versus how clean I think it should be. And...the list just goes on.

But anyway. So yesterday my blood sugars were crazy. I had THREE readings in the 280s...THREE in one day! This never happens to me. I also had two lows, but that's more "normal" for me. And I don't feel as much guilt over low blood sugar, anyway, because it's more "acceptable" to me to have lows than highs.

I had such a great time yesterday with my family, with the babies. James got great presents and was really happy and excited, and I really enjoyed some of the things I got. (I've been wanting Animal, Vegetable, Miracle for awhile now....and James' Grandma Jane got me some lovely comfy PJs and a snuggly blanket that I adore.) But I also felt sort of crappy physically through all those ups and downs.

And then today, things were better...but not all the way better. I had ONE BITE of spice cake this afternoon. My blood sugar was 111, had been hanging around there for several hours, and we were heading out the door to go to the mall. (Side note: James LOVES escalators.) So I didn't want to have my normal mid-afternoon blood sugar dip turn into a crazy low. But then that one bite upped my reading to 186 within 30 minutes. D'oh! And I thought....

Oh, for stupid. Why did I eat that cake?

I really didn't want to even write down my pattern for the day in my logbook. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how much I feel like my blood sugars are under my control, aka MY FAULT, when really some things just have to be let go. Sure, it would've helped if I hadn't had that tiny slice of cake. But then again....if I hadn't had it, I might've been low. In fact, I probably would have been low, since that's been my pattern lately. I was just trying to work out the current pattern, but instead got surprised by a new stress-induced holiday pattern.

Why was it so easy for me to let myself off the hook for the stress and the highs on Christmas Day, but then blame myself for everything the day after?

Don't get me wrong. I think that, ideally, we should all try to take responsibility for our own health and for keeping ourselves healthy. But I think that can backfire too, especially with a chronic disease like diabetes. Sometimes I feel so much self-doubt and self-recrimination about my blood sugars, but also, there are just so many variables that go into a day's worth of blood sugars, and there are quite a few that I have to ultimately let go of and just say, I did the best I could. 180 isn't really all that bad, at least I checked it within 30 minutes and was aware that something was going on. At least it wasn't super-high like yesterday. At least I'm in good control on average even if I have crappy days and occasionally don't make perfect decisions. I'm doing well, and it's okay.

That's what I'm telling myself today, anyway.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

2007-12-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

And all through the house, there was a little boy who loved Christmas trees and presents, even though he didn't know what the presents were supposed to do.

Okay, maybe there's one present he's not too sure about yet...

We've been really busy this last week with all of our Christmas tree fascination and with having my sister and her son here to visit. My dad got here tonight and we had a great Christmas Eve Cassoulet--perhaps a tradition in the making?

And now I'm off to bed and visions of sugarplums. Not that I can eat them, but you know, I can dream!

Pieces of the Puzzle

2007-12-18T09:37:00.000-08:00

For the last 2 months or so, I've been working pretty steadily. Before that, it was patchy, here-and-there stuff that I couldn't really count on to bring in more cash than I had to use to pay the babysitter. But since October rolled around, I've gotten in some pretty good hours. I've made enough money to cover our groceries for the month!

And it makes me feel so good, so competent, so confident in my post-baby self. I think we all really need something like that, because I don't think I'm the only one who wondered what the heck happened to my ability to accomplish anything outside of The Baby Realm since my child was born. For the last 17 months or so, it has been an uphill struggle just to get the dishes and laundry done. Many days, we fall far short of our goals. And, I have to admit, I get pretty frustrated when I don't see this happening at anyone else's house.

But then I start thinking. First I remember that I don't necessarily see the inner workings of other people's houses. Then I remember that my house isn't what's important anyway, although it's hard to think that dishes don't matter when you're eating oatmeal out of a tea cup with a measuring spoon.

And then I remember that those other moms? They don't have diabetes. And I really think that my diabetes is key to how tired I am so often. I am learning not to underestimate the impact of a crazy blood sugar day on the entire rest of my life. So I wonder...how do other diabetics manage this juggling act, with kids and/or with jobs and/or with all the thousands of things that can take up our time and sap our energy? When you have a severe low and just need to sleep it off but you have a feisty toddler who wants to play on the playground all day long (or a different obligation you must fulfill)...and when this kind of thing* happens several times a week...what do you do?

I'm learning my options. I'm coping better every day. I really think it helps me a lot personally to face the fact that my diabetes affects how I feel to such a large extent. I know new moms are tired. And I know diabetics can experience some pretty strong fatigue. I just never put two and two together before and realized that maybe what I was feeling was actually a different brand of tired than other people experienced.

That being said, I don't mean to sound like I think this will be every diabetic's experience...or like non-diabetics have it easy. I know that's not how it works. I guess, for me, it's just a piece of the puzzle that's recently fallen into place. It's a way to remind myself to go easy on myself.

And since, in response to my occasional depressive posts, I've gotten several comments and emails saying I should do just that--thank you for the advice. You're awfully smart.

*Please note that I didn't say this exact thing happens so frequently...there are many variations of diabetic conundrums I run into, regularly.

The Day After

2007-12-14T17:56:00.000-08:00

Today is a better day. I'm not all better, but it's been a better day than yesterday, at least.

I'm still just reminding myself that every day that I get to wake up and live this blessed life is a good day.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. =)

Miss Mary Sunshine

2007-12-13T17:17:00.001-08:00

I'm raining on my own parade today. I've been reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott lately, and she says we need to write down our personal bad feelings, the grief, the jealousy, etc, in order to move on to new, hopefully better, things. So here goes.

Lately I have just felt so down in the dumps. So crappy and fatigued and lonely and weak and bored and frustrated and did I mention crappy? Like crappy as in ill and bad but also crappy as in full of crap. I'm ready for a personal pity party, but I'm also just sick of my own whinyness.

My blood sugars have been sort of roller coastering lately, despite my best efforts to keep them steady. My weight hasn't dropped AT ALL in the past year or more even though I've been steadily exercising and working on decreasing the amount of food I eat. If anything, this last week I've felt heavier. My skin is constantly mad at me since I got pregnant two years ago (although I'm glad to hear that a lot of that may be due to my diabetes, so thanks, Amylia). I'm pretty much exhausted All The Time. I'm tired of living in this tired body, I'm tired of living in this crowded messy house with all this crap, I'm tired of hearing myself complain and I'm tired of having (almost) no one else to complain to. I'm also SO tired of people judging me for the things they see without having any idea about what goes on behind the scenes. (I have a feeling this could be pretty common for diabetics, although I haven't talked about it with any others yet.)

I'm feeling profoundly sad for myself because I don't have a lot of family and friends around here to help out and I feel like there is just no one to help out the way I need help. I am desperate for some help but...from who? It's not like we have the money to hire people right now either. Another reason to be depressed...it'd be so much easier to take care of myself if we had more money right now.

Anyway. I can think of a million more things to complain about, but at the same time, like I said, I'm tired of hearing myself complain. Hopefully tomorrow I can focus on the positives again. I think I do a pretty good job most days. I'm just in a funk right now. Okay, honestly, I'm in a funk lately. Theoretically, I know it's directly linked to my sleep deprivation, but it's still hard to get through.

Thanks for listening, Donna. You're probably the only one who reads this right now, but hey, even one friend gained makes it worth it! See, there I am, working on being positive again.

See you tomorrow...when hopefully the sun will come out again.

Quick update on the Holiday Plan

2007-12-12T09:21:00.000-08:00

Well...so far I've not exactly done stellar with the exercise this season. I was going to do 30 minutes most days but there have definitely been quite a few I've missed in the last 2 weeks...probably about half of the days I was going to exercise, I had to work instead. And I've been insanely exhausted from James' lack of sleep even though things have gotten dramatically better in that department. It's like it didn't really hit me until the storm had passed. Weird. I've also been congested off-and-on, and had a couple of days of incredibly crazy lows and highs that really made me want to sleep it off...but I couldn't...see above for the reason.

A couple of days ago, I had a random blood sugar of 27. TWENTY-SEVEN. It was in the middle of the afternoon, too, which is weird because I almost never get lower than the 40s, and if I do, it's usually in the night, when my body doesn't wake me up as early as I would notice it when I was awake. But this one hit me out of nowhere and then the next day I woke up to a 278, the highest my blood sugar's been in...months? I know it's not *that* high compared to some other people's highs, but I felt like Complete Crap for a good couple of days after that roller coaster ride.

But anyway. Just making excuses again, I suppose...I didn't exercise like I wanted to, but I've been doing well with the portion sizes of meals and not having seconds and catching MOST lows early and not having to eat so darn much just to keep my sugars up in normal range.

So, onward we go towards Christmas. I don't know if it will get better or worse, but today I took a 45-minute walk and tonight I'm going to do my new exercise video. I'm still hoping for the best, which would be losing weight rather than gaining it, but I'd be happy to maintain until the holiday season is over.

Here's hoping everyone else's plans are going more smoothly than my own have so far!

A Short History of Blogging and Me

2007-12-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

I know, I've been slacking off on the posting. It's just that every day I think of something to write about, and then, by the time I get around to posting...it's gone.
So today I thought I'd let you know a little more about me, since my expressive and creative juices are running dry. This blog has only been up for about a month, but I am not *that* new to the blogosphere. I've been running what I call a "family blog" since September of last year, which chronicles our life since we moved to North Carolina. This started out as a way to keep in touch with family and to share pictures easily, but then, slowly but surely, I started to come out of my New Mommy Fog and actually write posts that weren't just captions. And I really liked it. So now I'm posting a lot more over there, and I even took part in NaBloPoMo this year!
It's called James and the Giant Moose, because my son's name is James, and because long before his existence, my husband and I dreamed about owning a big hound dog named Moose. And someday we will...but since the baby came first, that will have to wait a bit!
Before I started that, I had a xanga account for about a year. It was pretty aimless, and I just treated it like a personal diary, complaining about everything and spilling my brains into the Internet. But it served me well, because during that year, I noticed that my friends became a lot more distant, and I was lonely, so it was nice to have some place to get out all my thoughts. Since I'm an extrovert, I need to express myself to figure out exactly what I'm trying to express...
(Oh, and I had just gotten married when I started that blog, so that probably explains the distant friends problem, at least to some degree.)
And then I realized how much I needed to connect with other diabetics and re-educate myself. And here we are today!
I know that wasn't the most dazzling post ever, but maybe you'd like to check out my other blog, and get to know me a little bit better, as I am just starting out over here. And I promise to continue blogging here frequently. But mostly I'm here to read your blogs and connect with YOU anyway. So happy blogging!

Obstacles

2007-11-27T18:52:00.000-08:00

Today I read Bernard's blog about some books he's been reading about blogging, and it made me think of how I'd like to improve my own writing. I've been thinking lately that I wanted to share with you how bad I feel my writing has been on this blog so far, and how sorry I am for that.

I promise I'll get better. Especially if I can get some sleep. Because my biggest impediment to clear, concise, thoughtful writing on this blog has been the lack of sleep I have suffered from since my son was born. It robs me of almost all my abilities to have a comprehensible thought.

Also, I find that as a mom, I am always going through the day and thinking up some great post, but by the time I get to the computer, it is completely and totally gone from my mind. And by that time, it is late and I am tired. The result is the crappier-than-I-want posts that have been happening here. How do other people maintain such great writing when they are feeling as physically sub-par as I feel these days?

And then there's the fact that I've never written about my diabetes before. It's hard for me to know how to write about it and about the other facets of my life. I am doing all right on the other facets, but how to integrate them? I seem to be either writing posts that leave the rest out, focusing only on my diabetes, or I double-post here and on my other blog.

Hm. Food for thought. It's probably bad form to criticize and analyze my obstacles to writing on my blog, but hey, it's late and I'm tired. ;)

I'm gonna go get those books Bernard was reading and see what comes of it. Stay tuned for my daily attempts at improvement in both writing and diabetes management!

Balancing Act

2007-11-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

One of the most challenging things about motherhood for me has been learning to sometimes put myself first. I think mothers have a powerful instinct to put their children first, which serves an important purpose, but I also think we often have trouble balancing between what they need and what we need. This is no revelation.

But the way my diabetes has affected my parenting is a revelation to me. Even though I still sometimes push myself too far--even though I carry him until my back is aching and my arms are numb, even though I am so far behind in sleep that I lose my blood stick kit every 5 minutes, even though I sometimes write horribly because my thoughts have completely disappeared by the time I get around to sitting at the computer--there are some things I simply have to do for myself. I cannot skip meals. I cannot forget to take my medications. I MUST pay attention to how much exercise I'm getting.

Sometimes this makes it harder on me. Some days I really wish that I could forget about taking my walk, or eating lunch before putting James down for a nap, or taking my Lantus before bedtime. But I have to do it. And ultimately, I think managing my diabetes while raising my son has taught me about balance, about how to carve out those times in the day to take care of myself through the all-consuming task of caring for a newborn and now a toddler.

So again I find myself giving thanks for my diabetes in an unexpected way. Don't get me wrong...I would be SO HAPPY if I woke up tomorrow without diabetes. I'd probably even skip a few meals just because I finally could. I'd definitely sleep in instead of getting up to take my shot, and I'd most likely sleep in even later and skip my walk if James would let me. Diabetes is not something I am happy to have. But in my quest to learn more about how this disease affects my life and how my life affects my disease, I'm happy to know that it's not all bad. I can find the positives. I can stay optimistic. I may not be able to "beat" diabetes, but I can use it, I can learn from it, I can grow from the experiences I am forced to endure.

And for this I am thankful.

My Seven Weird Facts

2007-11-20T19:18:00.001-08:00

This has been a rough day. Last night was the 6th out of the last 7 nights that James was up in the middle of the night, from around 2 to 5 a.m. I am completely muddled, and had no idea how I was going to write anything coherent here today, but...

I've been tagged for a meme! Thanks, Donna!

So here are the rules of this meme:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

And here are seven weird facts about me:

1. I hate hate HATE it when shoes touch the surface of my bed. It gives me the creepy-crawlies. My husband says this makes me OCD or at least a little crazy. I say, what's the harm in being thoughtfully sanitary, people? Do you KNOW what you have on the bottom of your shoes?

2. I read books faster than anyone I know. I also read multiple books at once. This really isn't surprising to people who know me well, but even they don't generally comprehend how fast I really read or how extensively I read. Right now I'm reading two romance novels, one Jodi Picoult, one book about AIDS prevention in Africa, one parenting book, and one book about a hospital ethics committee. That's all I can remember at the time. I read while I'm eating, I read while I nurse James, I read whenever I get the chance. If there's not a book around to read, I'll read the back of a cereal box. While I type this, I'm reading a "Breakfast with Bernie" blurb on the back of my Annie's Cheddar Bunnies box.

3. When I was in sixth grade, I wanted to be an architect, and I collected house plans like mad. I drew my own house plans a million times, as well as designing museums and play spaces for kids. I'm not sure why I gave up on that, because I still like that kind of stuff. And I REALLY don't think most people know that.

4. I rub my feet together when I'm in bed at night, and it helps relax me. When I was in college, I found out through an informal survey of friends that many of my female friends did this, and none of my male friends had any clue what I was talking about.

5. There are quite a few "classic" books/authors that I really don't like. Examples? All Edith Wharton. Animal Farm.The Scarlet Letter. Moby Dick. Wuthering Heights.

6. I'm obsessed with germs, microbes, diseases. It gives me an odd kinship with my husband, who's obsessed with tornadoes, lightning, and hail. I'm also fascinated by genetics, which my husband simply doesn't relate to.

7. I have had "episodes" of low blood sugar in the night where I don't fully wake up and I'm in an awake-dreaming state until my blood sugar comes up. It is very strange. When it happens, I only remember it as you remember a dream, vaguely, without full comprehension. Luckily, my body knows what to do, and I get up and eat on autopilot.

And now I'm supposed to tag 7 people who also have to do this....So I choose:
Megan and Manda, because they might appreciate NaBloPoMo fodder;
Laura, because I'd love to hear seven weird things about her pregnancy;
Elin, because I want to know what passes for "weird" in Iceland;
Sandra, because she needs to blog more so I can read more;
Jerilyn, because she's just plain weird (just kidding); and
Jimmie, in the hopes that this will wake her up from her blogging coma.

Go forth and blog!

My Life in Diabetic Moments

2007-11-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

Age 1: I am nursing. I will be breastfed for what counts here in the U.S. as an "extended" period of time. Theoretically, this offers a degree of protection against developing diabetes. Someday I will become one of the unlucky ones who gets it anyway. And then I will nurse my own son and hope that it works for him. But for now, I am just a healthy, average, nursing one year old without a care in the world.

Age 6: I'm reading a book from my favorite series, The Babysitters Club. It's called The Truth About Stacey, and it's all about a girl who has diabetes telling her friends about it. I know what diabetes is because my grandmother calls herself a "borderline diabetic." I am sitting in her living room, which is littered with bright pink Sweet'N Low packages, among other things.

Age 8: I'm sitting in the hospital, watching Dirty Dancing for the 8th time, still not catching on to the "unwanted pregnancy/abortion" plotline in that movie. (As a teenager, I will watch the movie again and receive quite a surprise when this time I "get it.") I'm reading Get Well Soon cards from my classmates, and feeling frustrated that my nurse seems to think she has to explain diabetes to me yet again. Hello! I've read The Babysitters Club. I know all about this disease. But still, she makes me practice giving oranges and baby dolls shots. This is slightly disturbing and not the least bit like giving myself a shot, as I'll discover for the first time in a few days.

Age 8, part two: I'm back in school. My blood sugar is high--200. I have to jump rope for 5 minutes in the principal's office to bring it down. If it doesn't go down, or if it gets too low, they'll call my parents again and make them drive the 30 minutes to come get me, again, because the school staff can't handle it on their own, and I'm not old enough to take care of myself yet. By the end of the year, I'll be homeschooling.

Age 10: I'm playing on the trampoline in my back yard with a friend. My mom calls me in because it's time to check my blood sugar. It's normal. I run back outside and keep playing.

Age 11: I wake up in the middle of the night to discover medical personnel in my bedroom. I've been having a low-blood-sugar-related seizure. This will only happen 3 or 4 times, ever, but it makes me feel weird, like my body is not my own if it can do things that I don't even remember.

Age 14: I'm in my cabin at diabetes camp, listening to Abba CDs, when my friend Alice has a low-blood-sugar-induced seizure. I feel relief not only that everyone knows what to do, but that here, it's not such a big deal, that no one will freak out and make her go home. That I'm normal when I'm with these people.

Age 19: I'm at college. It's 2 a.m. and my friends want to order a pizza. We sit around in our pajamas in the lounge (In PUBLIC! In our PAJAMAS! So LIBERATING!) and laugh and talk until we're exhausted. But I don't eat the pizza because I'm worried what it will do to my blood sugar. When I wake up in the morning, I'm low, and I regret my self-control.

Age 23: It's my wedding day. I'm in the "bride's room" about 30 minutes before the ceremony is set to begin, and I have low blood sugar. I eat some Disney Princess Fruit Snacks, and my photographer takes a picture. Then I go get married!

Age 23, part two: It's November and I'm sitting with my husband in the office of an OB I've never met, the first OB I could get an appointment with, because I'm unexpectedly pregnant after years of being told it might be hard for me to conceive because of my diabetes. My latest A1c was 6.5, within the "normal" range. The doctor walks in and her manner is all astonishment, because, well, don't I realize that I'm diabetic, so it's really dangerous for me to be pregnant at all, and what was I thinking, being so careless? She wants to schedule my cesarean for the following June. I'm only 6 weeks pregnant. I find another doctor.

Age 23, part 3: I've just found out that we're going to have a son. I call my sister and say, "Guess what, Sandra? You're going to be an uncle!" We laugh as I realize I'm low, and I eat something while we chat. This will become a lasting "inside joke" that will undoubtedly confuse my son's friends when they hear he has an Uncle Sandra.

Age 24: I am in labor. My blood sugar is low, in the 40s. I can't eat anything, so we ask the nurses to give me some IV sugar. It takes them almost an hour to get the ball rolling, so I have to force myself to eat in the meantime. I have some string cheese with crackers. It doesn't help. My mother or my doula finally tracks down some Sierra Mist. It will be a long time before I can look at string cheese without feeling vaguely nauseous, but I will always have fond memories of Sierra Mist.

Age 25: It's October. I have had crazy ups and lows for the past few days, so I do a Google search. I discover a million diabetes blogs and an entire diabetes online community. I realize that I need to connect with the d-world again. It's like coming home to discover all I have in common with these people, and to remember how wonderful it is to know someone who really knows what an "afterlow hangover" is like or how it feels to be a diabetic parent. To remember that with these people, I'm normal.

(Note: I got the idea for this post indirectly from Maggie Mason's book, No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog. Indirectly because I've never read the book, but she wrote a post called #42 Make Your Timeline on her blog, which I did read.)

(Also note: I posted this on my other blog too.)

(Additionally: I should mention that of course, all moments since I was diagnosed are in some way "diabetic moments" for me. Those presented here are simply moments that I remember vividly, that show the way diabetes has shaped my life a little more specifically.)

Maintain, Don't Gain...

2007-11-17T18:54:00.000-08:00

...That's my plan for the holidays. I know I've heard that slogan somewhere, and it seems like a good one. But I have to have some actual ways that I'm planning to do this. And I have to share them with you for there to be the slightest chance that I will follow them.

1. From now on, a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise SIX DAYS A WEEK, period. No matter what the weather is or how tired I am. I've been walking to work with Ben since August now, and that's been great, but I need to find some alternate plans for when it's too cold or rainy. I'm thinking we could go to the mall and walk. And I can try to do some exercise video stuff, although I'm limited to VHS because our DVD player broke....and all I have on VHS are extremely old and cheesy workouts like Paula Abdul. Probably I shouldn't have admitted that I own that on the internet. Oh well. Also, I need to work out at least one weekend day to keep the blood sugars down and the metabolism burning. Which brings me to:

2. At least 2 days a week, I need to do something more intense and longer-lasting. That could be my 40-minute yoga routine or a longer walk with Ben and James somewhere, or whatever. But at least one day on the weekend we can do something a little more active than the usual 30 minutes. I must have this to get somewhere with the weight issue. Maybe later I can think of more things I can do for this. Right now I'm limited to long walks and one yoga routine. I'm worried I'll get bored with that. Hm. Maybe I can also walk Ben home from work on those days. It'll still be boring, but at least it has a tangible reward!

3. As far as food goes...I will eat my vegetable portion first. I will NOT get seconds no matter how good the food is. I will remember that I can always have leftovers for another meal. I will eat slowly. I will remember to drink lots of water.

4. I will try to pay attention to the fact that I need less insulin when I've had extra exercise. For some reason, this is a hard one for me, and I often forget all about the exercise I've had when I'm calculating my insulin dose. Why is that? I'm definitely at the point where I'd rather take less insulin and go up a little, catch it, and take more insulin than take too much insulin and get low like I have been doing.

And if I can do all of THAT during the holiday season, when I am most likely to slack off on new routines and especially exercise because of the extra events we have to go to and all that, and because I'm tired and stressed anyway...then imagine what I can do AFTER the holidays!

I'll be posting on how this plan goes for me. Probably I'll do an update just after Thanksgiving to see how that went and looking ahead to Christmas. Wish me luck!

The Elephant in the Room

2007-11-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

I have had diabetes since February of 1991. 16 years. I had to do the math in my head, because that is just not the kind of thing I am used to thinking about on a daily basis.

Somehow, diabetes became one part of my life that I paid attention to but never really thought about. You know, I never skipped my shots, I tested my blood sugar (although at times it was...less than frequent testing), I went to the endo, all that biz. But I just didn't really let myself THINK about it. Like how I felt about being diabetic. Or how being diabetic affects the rest of my life.

And I'm still trying to figure out exactly why that is. Maybe it was easier to get through life that way at the time, but it's not anymore. I want to talk about it. I want people to ask me about it. I'm just not sure what to say.

And it is one of those rare times that I seem to be at a loss for words. I can't blog it with ease like I can the rest of my life. I feel like this blog is lacking so far because I can write so much on other topics but I'm sorta sucking on this one.

So I'll continue making myself blog about it and hopefully things will start coming out. Tomorrow, I think I'm going to lay out a plan for the holidays. Because, let's face it, that's a really hard time for a diabetic. Stress, overeating, travel, unusual dinnertimes....And, before, I would have just winged it and not even thought about it until the critical moment. (Like the Fourth of July on the lake where I forgot to pack extra insulin. Not good.)

But this year, I will have a plan. And I will share it with you, Internet, in the hopes that that will keep me honest.

So far, so good.

Tribute to my mother and my diabetes.

2007-11-14T18:33:00.001-08:00

(copied from my other blog)

Mom, most of the time I don't even think of you and my diabetes in the same mental sphere. You are two very different parts of my life. I am blessed to have you, and I can't say I always feel the same about my diabetes. In fact, diabetes is the one major part of my life that I could really do without, while you are a wonderful mother and grandmother, and a cherished part of my life.

But today is World Diabetes Day as well as your birthday. So I was forced to think of you both together. Thus I present you with...

Some Things You Two Have in Common:

You have been central to my life for as long as I can remember.
You have shaped my character, made me strong and compassionate.
You frequently influence my decision-making.
You and I have shared our good times and our bad times. The highs and lows alike are unforgettable.
You gave me a sense of responsibility that most of my peers achieved much later in life than I did.
It was especially hard for me to deal with you during my teen years.
I may not always have liked the things you do, but I respect you greatly.
You have taught me how to find answers for myself, how to trust my intuition and knowledge of myself more than checklists and formulae and well-intentioned advice.
At times, you make me laugh hysterically.
The older I get, the more I appreciate how very different my life would have been without your influence.
I am thankful for all you have taught me about life and about myself.
You may not always be with me, but you will always be a part of me.

Happy Birthday, Mom. And Happy World Diabetes Day. May there be many more happy birthdays, and may WDD be unnecessary because we find a cure!

Feeling very blah

2007-11-13T20:19:00.001-08:00

Here I sit, being low and having a head cold. I was going to go to bed but...I was low. And I was thinking that not posting every day during NaBloPoMo might be like blogicide. And I don't want my new d-blog acquaintances to just disappear into the aether. Knowing that there are other people out there who know how much it sucks to have had a couple of days of crazy highs and lows and then figure out that it was because I was getting sick makes me feel a million times better. Also, you know how much it sucks that I'm tired out and want to go to bed but have to sit here and eat even though I'm not hungry!

So here I am. Still here. Just breathing through my nose and checking my blood sugar and adjusting my dose constantly until I get through this illness. Yet another thing that can be so minor and yet so big in the differences between my life and that of a non-diabetic. I am so tired, but I can't sleep and get over this thing just yet. Ah well. I'm looking forward to a lot of great posts on all the d-blogs for tomorrow, though!

Happy Blogging, hope no one else has this yucky thing. G'night.

P.S. Seriously, I can be fun and funny. And I can do more than complain. I can write...and stuff. Coming soon...just please stay tuned. Stay in touch. All that. I'm just not up to it this week. Sorry. I'll be back soon with hilarious thingamajigs. I swear!

50, 67, 182, 64

2007-11-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

That is a list of my blood sugars from the last couple of hours.

No wonder I have trouble being comprehensible. Sometimes I'm surprised I can even type.

I don't mean to complain so much, really. But I was looking forward to writing some in-depth posts, especially about what my life was like as a pregnant Type I with an A1C of 4.9. Yes, you read that right, 4.9! I was so excited and had no one to share it with. More on that some other day...when my blood sugar doesn't leave me seeing stars.

In the meantime, thanks everyone for your comments. Another thing I'd like to explore on here is food diaries and counting calories and how people with diabetes lose weight. Ever since I got pregnant, I have had some extra pounds because I had such tight control (see:4.9!) and had to eat when I got lows, which was obviously somewhat frequent, even though they weren't necessarily major lows. But I just can't get that weight off! And I don't think I overindulge, but I have to find a way to compensate for when I HAVE to eat because I'm low.

It's a conundrum I can't solve at the moment...because I'm low.

Maybe tomorrow I'll find the answer. Or at least write a decent post.

I'm off to eat some more. Sigh. I'm tired of eating, I really am. Isn't that sad?

Happy D-blog day.

2007-11-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

Today I was going to write a deep, meaningful post about how diabetes affects my life, and how excited I am to have made contact with some really great online diabetics, and how happy I am to finally feel that sense of community. But then two things happened:

1. Kerri beat me to it.

2. I had an absolutely horrific day today. My son didn't sleep well for the third night in a row, and woke up about 2-2.5 hours early. I was supposed to leave the house for work at 7:30, but didn't leave until 7:45. And then I realized I was almost out of gas. James felt wretched all day, I had back-to-back working engagements, there was no napping or resting happening. I had a horrible headache. Then I realized that, in the morning rush, I had forgotten to take my Lantus. My blood sugar was 300. MY BLOOD SUGAR IS NEVER 300!

Then, after a reactionary low that was entirely my fault, I put James to bed over an hour early and fell asleep with him. Almost didn't make my daily post on my other blog. So sorry, it just isn't going to get very deep today. Just more complaining about how bad I've got it...followed by the realization of how good I really have it.

Every day that I wake up? That's a good day. And one bad day of stress and blood sugar ups and downs? I've dealt with it before, I'll do it again. Hopefully, this time, with a little help from my new friends.

And I'm too tired to figure out how to put up the little logo from Gina's diabetes talkfest blog where she started D-blog day...but here is the link-back.

The Silver Lining

2007-11-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

Today was a crazy day. Last night, James woke up about 5 times in the night, each time CRYING with tooth pain....and then he'd thrash around for who knows how long before finally settling back to sleep. Needless to say....I didn't get a lot of sleep either. Poor guy....poor mama.

And this morning I woke up early to go to work! (Not something that happens very frequently these days.) I felt like total crap, even though it was a good day, work-wise. I had a splitting headache from the lack of sleep. My back was sore from getting up in the night and walking James around in all kinds of crazy contortions.

Then I missed lunch, because the bread that I thought I had available? It was moldy and inedible, and all I had left was some Annie's crackers.

Then I came home and James hadn't taken a nap and was supremely fussy for the rest of the day until bedtime.

And guess what? My blood sugars today...practically perfect. I usually eat lunch around noon, and didn't get to eat anything but the aforementioned crackers then....Then I had lunch around 2:30. No highs, no lows. Okay, slightly low before dinner because I wasn't hungry at 5:30 since I had eaten lunch so late...but 68 is so NOT low in the grand scheme of my life!

I was thinking about what a crappy day I had, and wishing that just one thing would go smoothly for me, instead of everything having to be rough all at once. And then it struck me that my diabetes was the silver lining of the day.

Well, okay, that and the paycheck I got to take home!

Post Numero Uno

2007-11-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

Hi. I recently posted an introduction to who I am on my other blog. You can go read that if you want to know about the rest of my life, the part where I almost never mention my diabetes.

But I want that whole not-talking-about-my-diabetes thing to change. So I started this blog as a way to make myself talk, and also think, about my diabetes control, my diet and exercise goals, patterns I may notice in my ups and downs ("highs" and "lows" to the d-savvy).

I have had Type I diabetes since February of 1991. But I have only recently noticed how alone I feel when it comes to dealing with my diabetes. Or how I really need some diabetic friends to talk about my diabetic life with. This is especially true since I became a mother. Hence, what life is like with Momabetes is what this blog will be about.

Stay tuned!