Thursday, December 13, 2007

Miss Mary Sunshine

I'm raining on my own parade today. I've been reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott lately, and she says we need to write down our personal bad feelings, the grief, the jealousy, etc, in order to move on to new, hopefully better, things. So here goes.

Lately I have just felt so down in the dumps. So crappy and fatigued and lonely and weak and bored and frustrated and did I mention crappy? Like crappy as in ill and bad but also crappy as in full of crap. I'm ready for a personal pity party, but I'm also just sick of my own whinyness.

My blood sugars have been sort of roller coastering lately, despite my best efforts to keep them steady. My weight hasn't dropped AT ALL in the past year or more even though I've been steadily exercising and working on decreasing the amount of food I eat. If anything, this last week I've felt heavier. My skin is constantly mad at me since I got pregnant two years ago (although I'm glad to hear that a lot of that may be due to my diabetes, so thanks, Amylia). I'm pretty much exhausted All The Time. I'm tired of living in this tired body, I'm tired of living in this crowded messy house with all this crap, I'm tired of hearing myself complain and I'm tired of having (almost) no one else to complain to. I'm also SO tired of people judging me for the things they see without having any idea about what goes on behind the scenes. (I have a feeling this could be pretty common for diabetics, although I haven't talked about it with any others yet.)

I'm feeling profoundly sad for myself because I don't have a lot of family and friends around here to help out and I feel like there is just no one to help out the way I need help. I am desperate for some help but...from who? It's not like we have the money to hire people right now either. Another reason to be depressed...it'd be so much easier to take care of myself if we had more money right now.

Anyway. I can think of a million more things to complain about, but at the same time, like I said, I'm tired of hearing myself complain. Hopefully tomorrow I can focus on the positives again. I think I do a pretty good job most days. I'm just in a funk right now. Okay, honestly, I'm in a funk lately. Theoretically, I know it's directly linked to my sleep deprivation, but it's still hard to get through.

Thanks for listening, Donna. You're probably the only one who reads this right now, but hey, even one friend gained makes it worth it! See, there I am, working on being positive again.

See you tomorrow...when hopefully the sun will come out again.

5 comments:

Colleen said...

I'm here - and I'm not Donna!

Hang in there!

Elin said...

Hey Susan, I read this too!
I do have an idea of how you feel, you are not alone.

Donna said...

Susana,
Hi, I'm Donna & I'm a few days behind on my reading. Sorry about that. Hey, I had a post similar to this not too long ago. I felt the same way. It was awful - the weight, the diabetes, the loneliness, everything. But things are getting better. I think we all go through times like this occasionally. Thankfully, they usually don't last too long & things get better. It's like the old saying goes, "This, too, shall pass." I hope tomorrow & the days to follow are better. Colleen is right - hang in there!

Susana la Banana said...

"This, too, shall pass" has been my motherhood motto...but it sure is hard to keep in mind when you're stuck in a rut. I remember that post of yours about not feeling so great too. I'm sorry we have to go through that, and I'm glad things are looking up a little more now.

Rebecca said...

Hugs.

:(

I know what you mean about wishing you could afford help!!

I wish James liked the car more, or you weren't 2 bus rides away. We miss you!

It was nice when we lived close enough to provide emergency bad-mama-day relief to each other. :*(